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  Toonami Infolink :: View topic - Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Soul Calibur
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Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Soul Calibur
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Andromaton

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Joined: Nov 17, 2003
Post subject: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Soul Calibur
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thanks for finding this info; dougesdivertido wrote:
http://xbox.gamespy.com/xbox/soulcalibur-ii/548671p1.html?fromint=1

By Dave Kosak | Sept. 16, 2004


1. "Justice Will Prevail. Just Kidding!"

Xianghua squeals this cryptic line in glee shortly after kicking your ass in the game, usually by poking you in the foot with her blade while you were in the middle of some crazy combo requiring much more skill. Her statement is a microcosm of life. Yes, we all want to believe that justice will prevail, and we live our lives under such a premise -- but she is here to remind us, with an OJ Simpsonian premonition, that justice is sometimes elusive in this world. Bravo, Xianghua, bravo.

Now, to be fair, in the Dreamcast version of Soul Calibur she actually says, "Seigi wa katsu ... nanchatte!" and "Justice will prevail" isn't an exact translation. I believe a more literal translation is "Don't you want to just lick me up and down like a popsicle?"

At least, that's what I hear.

2. No Matter How Good Life is Going, Someone Can Always Cheese You Out of the Ring

I'm glad that a lot of kids play video games, because this is an important life's lesson that needs to be drilled into our brains early. You could be flying high. Life can be going great. Maybe you just bought a new couch. You're thinking, "I got me a new couch. It's got one of those big ends and one of them small ends. I'm set. Life is GREAT." And that very next day you'll go into work and in a big meeting in front of the boss someone will accuse you of making a deadline slip. Suddenly, you're not looking good for that bonus. Suddenly, you're working until 11 PM that night. You've just been knocked out of the ring, baby.

I would like to suggest that from now on, whenever this happens, you should be allowed to react as you would in Soul Calibur. That is, in the big meeting, you should be able to leap out of your seat and yell, "CHEESE!" Then, you can demand a rematch.

3. Calling "Nexties" Is Law

The world would devolve into anarchy if we as a people didn't respect calling "Nexties." Imagine the line at the bank.

Now when you play Soul Calibur in the arcades, you call Nexties by placing your quarter on top of the machine. Everyone respects that. I mean, it's not written into the constitution or anything, but it's definitely amendment material.

4. Winner Stays, Loser Pays

You never see winners paying. You never see losers staying. Except perhaps Carrot Top.

5. Never Approach a Man in a Thong, Even If His Back is Turned

This one should be instinctive, but without the hard lessons learned from playing against Voldo, you might not make the connection. You may think, "He can't see me, I think I'm safe." No. In fact, approaching a man in a thong from behind is perhaps the most dangerous way to approach thonged strangers, especially ones who hiss through bamboo tubes.

6. Never Stand Next to a Man with a Big Stick When He's Getting Up

You know what I'm talking about. Kilik. Yes, his rod was my doom.

7. Press the Right Buttons and You Can Change the Color of a Woman's Panties

This is true. The original Japanese Dreamcast versions of Soul Calibur had cheat codes to allow you to change the color of Sophitia's panties. I'll just let that sink in for a moment.

Now, when they released the game in North America, this cheat code was missing. I find that hysterical. I don't know where the line is, or who makes these judgment calls... But someone, somewhere, made the conscious decision that while it was okay for Americans to see her panties, they must always be white, and they cannot under any circumstances be user-configurable with respect to hue.

This is somebody's job.

Anyways, the truth remains that you cannot change the color of the panties in the U.S. version of the game, which helped me learn another of life's lessons: When it comes to women, you can't always get what you want.

8. "Don't Expect to Die Peacefully."

Asteroth sometimes taunts you with this line at the beginning of a match. Wise words. He also yells, "Squirm! Scream!" after walloping you. Again, more good advice. Asteroth is a font of wisdom or something. He's right: I came into this world flailing and screaming, and I intend to leave it the same way.

And finally:

9. It's Okay to Wear a Codpiece •


Last edited by Andromaton on Sun Sep 19, 2004 5:13 pm; edited 2 times in total
PostFri Sep 17, 2004 4:41 am
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John_Bono_Smithy_Satchmo

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Would you mind citing the person that wrote that?
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PostFri Sep 17, 2004 1:41 pm
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Andromaton

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if I come acrossed it again I will, if not assume it was somebody else. otherwise shut the hell up.
PostFri Sep 17, 2004 3:44 pm
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John_Bono_Smithy_Satchmo

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And when someone comes across this thread, and thinks it's funny, then copy-pastes it to somewhere else, eventually the original creator will see it. I know I'd be pissed if I were him, and didn't see the slightest bit of accredidation. is one extra line for a name and URL too much to ask?
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PostFri Sep 17, 2004 7:21 pm
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Andromaton

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well tough cookies, I forgot to grab it. As I said, if I come acrossed it again I'll get it. If they come across it either here or there they're more than welcome to post/notify me or if it spreads elsewhere of whom actually wrote it.
PostFri Sep 17, 2004 10:20 pm
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stFalcon

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You mean that when girls lose conciousness their legs automatically closes as they lay otherwise motionless?

And that swords won't cause any kind of flesh wounding, blood splatter, or laceration no matter how hard you swing them?
PostSat Sep 18, 2004 9:33 pm
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Zechs

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You can overcome any problem in life if you know the right button combo...or use Maxi.
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PostSun Sep 19, 2004 12:03 am
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FinalDivineDragoon

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Thanks to this game teenage boys now know what a pap-smear is ^_^
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PostSun Sep 19, 2004 1:46 am
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dougisfunny

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http://xbox.gamespy.com/xbox/soulcalibur-ii/548671p1.html?fromint=1

By Dave Kosak | Sept. 16, 2004
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The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
PostSun Sep 19, 2004 10:45 am
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dougisfunny

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I feel like by me posting I kill threads half the time...
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The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
PostWed Sep 22, 2004 9:54 pm
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Andromaton

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no, I'm pretty sure bono killed it on this one. he was being all whiney and you solved his whinyness. His bitching was all this thread had in terms of discussion to kill.
PostWed Sep 22, 2004 10:53 pm
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dougisfunny

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but not just this thread, it seems to happen all the time
I'll post in a pretty active thread and then it dies
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The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
PostWed Sep 22, 2004 11:23 pm
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Andromaton

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can't say I've really noticed that trend
PostThu Sep 23, 2004 2:03 am
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John_Bono_Smithy_Satchmo

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That's because whenever you see a thread, you post, and thus the thread doesn't die.
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PostFri Sep 24, 2004 2:12 am
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Kaoru_Himura

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The panties color is funny, I played this game many times just cause I love fighting games, but now that I know boys can knock you down and see your panties and changes color to their liking...perhaps this is a boys game ^^x ....
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PostFri Oct 01, 2004 9:59 am
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