11/04/05 - How not to see a movie

TylerL · **TylerL**

1: Don't buy tickets through Fandango and print them yourself. the ticket ripper guy will look at you funny.

2: Don't get distracted by rushing an update to your website.

3: Don't go to a mall on Friday night for dinner. You'll never find a parking space, and people will be assholes.

4: If your waiter tries to be zany and kooky, stab him in the eye with your chopsticks. They're dull, so it'll hurt a lot more.

5: If you have to be at a movie in 15 minutes and you're 5 minutes away, give up immediately.

6: Remember that the theater/mall parking garage is extremely poorly designed. Parking vultures will prevent speedy distribution of cars.

7: Don't rely on 20 minutes of previews and commercials to delay the actual start time of the movie. The one time you do, the movie will start promptly.

8: Remember what I said about the print-at-home Fandango tickets? Obviously not if you read this far. The ticket ripper guy will look at you funny, then tell you to "just go" out of apathy. But he'll keep your printed ticket. You will know this is a bad idea, but you can hear the movie already starting, so you go anyway.

9: Whoops! You forgot that the only reason you went to see the movie was because it was 3D...and a first-night screening. The rent-a-cop handing out glasses wants to see your tickets. Trying to explain the situation to the ticket ripping guy is futile. Snatch back your ticket thing and show it to the rent-a-cop. She'll ask to keep it. You will again realize that this is a bad idea, since it means you are unable to leave and return for trivial things like a bathroom break. Apathy will get the best of you as you see the movie has already started through the theater door, and you will take your glasses and go in.

10: Remember how I said it was an opening-night screening? Obviously not. You're 0 for 2, buddy. Welcome to a full theater. Take your seat in the front row. On the side, where perspective and light refraction are way sub-optimal. Factor in polarized 3D glasses, and you have yet another dimension of suck!

11: Uh oh! You forgot why you don't see animated G-rated movies in theaters anymore! Please tolerate the yelling/crying kids and the lil' bastards kicking your seat.

12: Realize that you refused to see this movie due to various movie studio fanboyisms. But it's ok, because your girlfriend like the lil' chicken...and there were a bunch of positive reviews anyway, so deal with it.

13: By now you're feeling cranky. You'll probably find a way to piss off your girlfriend and make her unhappy. This is probably not a good idea.

14: Go to bed.
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My old sig was too long.

counterparadox · **counterparadox**


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